Blossoming into Me

Introvert: in·​tro·​vert | \ ˈin-trə-ˌvərt a person whose personality is characterized by introversion : a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone Merriam-Webster Dictionary

I am an introvert. People who know me tend to disagree, but I am. People can cause me exhaustion, except if I am teaching or sharing of the Lord’s goodness. I have to be comfortable with people before I can relax enough to be me. This has taken years to be able to do this.

For the greater part of my life, I felt invisible. I don’t say this for sympathy, or encouragement, it is a statement. I have two beautiful sisters, I am in the middle. Middle children tend to be a bit weird anyhow. I can say that as I am one.

We got a Christmas card from an uncle shortly after my Mom passed, the note inside addressed my Dad, my older sister, my younger sister and then it read, I forget the other one’s name. I now laugh at it, as I am horrible remembering names, but at the time it felt like a stomach punch. How could an uncle not remember my name? I guess I should be relieved that he knew I was in the family. Later on in high school my younger sister had a date with someone in my class. He knocked on the door, I answered, he introduced himself and asked if I was her younger sister. I smiled and said, no, older sister, and I have a class with you, you sit two seats away from me. He looked stunned and I laughed like only invisible people can.

Once we were married, we would go to work functions and if Dale wasn’t right beside me, people who I had met would come up and introduce themselves to me. When I reminded them who I was, they apologized and quickly exited. I told Dale that I should just put “Dale’s wife” on name tags since no one remembered me.

I say this in jest, but it caused me pain for many years. I thought that if I was invisible to people, how could I be remembered. We all hope that we leave a legacy of some sort. I knew my sisters, family and friends would remember me, but I have always had a longing to leave a mark in this world.

Because of this feeling of invisibility, I found I sought out people who were wall flowers like me. The people who stood outside circles while others were laughing and talking. I met many great friends this way. People who I could open up to and they could to me.

Now being on the downhill side to another decade, I am comfortable in my skin. It’s taken a while, I confess, but I truly feel I am blossoming into me through God’s grace and mercy.

Psalm 34:15 says, “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry.” (NKJV) True, there have been many nights of crying out to the Lord to be all I can in Him. I have asked to be the me He created me to be. I have finally gotten out of His way for the most part. I still rebel if I have to walk into a strange group or situation. I still panic having guests into our home. I don’t think that will ever change and honestly, I hope it doesn’t as then I know that the Lord is the One who has gotten the glory in my shortcomings.

We are not invisible to our Lord, Isaiah 49:15-16, “Can a mother forget the infant at her breast,  walk away from the baby she bore? But even if mothers forget,  I’d never forget you—never. Look, I’ve written your names on the backs of my hands. The walls you’re rebuilding are never out of my sight.” (MSG) I often remind myself that He knows me. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows the number of hairs on my head, as He does yours. Even those hairs in your hairbrush. He knows what is deep in my heart and mind. He sees us with His eyes. He is with us in the dark and quiet corners that we can retreat to if we are having a hard time. As an introvert I love this about our God. I can blossom into me knowing He is right there with me.

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