Tag: questions

Withdrawing

Published on by marycatherinethomas2 Comments

“So He Himself often withdrew into the wilderness and prayed.” Luke 5:16 (NKJV)

Growing up, there was a neighbor’s formal garden that had a fence surrounding it.   The fence had a hole in it that joined our yard with what we referred to as our “Secret Garden”  or the field.

Inside this glorious place were many varieties of trees, weeping willow, apple, crab apples, maples.  It was a very special place to have growing up.

The field was where my sisters and I could be girls, singing, and dreaming.   It was also a combat field when the boys in the neighborhood joined in.   Crab apples became hand grenades, weeping willow branches became whips.  We would run and shout and climb trees.  Again, it remains a magical place in my memories.

Often I would go there, climb a tree and imagine what my life would be like.  Could I be a famous singer?  Later I realized you have to be able to carry a note to do this.  A dancer?  You have to be coordinated to do that, not long legged and clumsy.   An actor?  Again, talent is needed to attain that.  All dreams that girls can dream.

The garden was my place to withdraw, to contemplate, and yes, even pray childish prayers.   I could tend to live inside myself easily.

I still can live inside myself.  Quiet is a great companion for me.  Being alone is fine also.  I am easily overwhelmed with people around.

Lately I have been reminded that my blog has not produced anything in a while.  Somehow the words don’t appear on their own and I haven’t contributed.

A few minutes ago, I got online and read some of my recent posts.  The words jarred me into thinking elsewhere.  Lately, I have withdrawn.  I have sat in quietness and stillness.

That is all well and good, but, the downside is that when it is quiet within me, a record with deep grooves begins to play on repeat.   The music and harmony are quiet enough, but the lyrics are not the best.  The lyrics to this record is the same as it has been the bulk of my life.

The lyrics berate me with what is my worth, what do others think of me, am I doing enough for the Lord?   This record never skips, it never stops.

Introspection can be good for a while.  Living in introspection is not ideal.  Shaking myself from this reverie I have had was necessary today.  I have many exciting things waiting for me in the next few months.  Things I need to be fully alert for.

We’re visiting with friends we were stationed with in Maine this weekend.  We are planning on visiting our girls this month,  I am looking forward to a San Diego friend to be with me also.   September will be our Ladies Retreat (and yes, planning that has raised a lot of the above questions).  Then in October we are going to visit Ireland.  A place where I have longed to visit.

I know I am not the only person to withdraw into herself.  I know the questions I have asked myself are not singular to myself.  But, there are times where I wish I could return to the “Secret Garden”, climb a tree and sit the afternoon away while dreaming. 

I Don’t Understand

Published on by marycatherinethomasLeave a comment

“Then a dispute arose among them as to which of them would be greatest. 47 And Jesus, perceiving the thought of their heart, took a little child and set him by Him, 48 and said to them, “Whoever receives this little child in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me. For he who is least among you all will be great.” Luke 9: 46-48 (NKJV)

I became a born-again Christian in 1977. 46 years ago. Almost a half century ago.

When I was first saved, I devoured the Bible, read it and tried to absorb all I could. Having never read the Bible before I basically underlined the entire Bible. I didn’t understand most of it, but I was still excited. I thought as I grew as a Christian, I would totally understand each word and be able to dissect it with precision.

We go to a church that preaches the Word of God with truth and power. We are blessed to be in this church. We recently began a study on Heaven. Our pastor is gleaning from the book by Randy Alcorn, “Heaven“. The study has challenged thoughts I have carried about Heaven and has excited me at the same time. It’s excellent.

The Ladies of our church have been having a Bible Study at the same time on the 7 churches in Revelation. Our teacher is someone who studies and can present deep topics with grace and ability. I sit amazed and try to absorb all I can while she teaches.

Late this past summer, I talked to the Lord and asked Him to help me grow closer to Him and to learn more from Him. I felt inadequate in my walk with the Lord. I want more. I desire to walk so close to Him that with each breath I am being led and hearing all I can from Him. I guess this Mary (me) is desiring to be Mary who sat at the feet of Jesus.

In this time, I have begun to think that I am like a child in faith still. A child will ask it’s parent, “what does that mean?” Most of the times, after getting an answer they will walk or run back to what they are doing. They may understand or they may not. I have seen looks on my grandchildren’s faces after asking a question. Sometimes it’s satisfaction and sometimes, it’s filled with more questions.

Lately, I am the latter. I have derided myself. Why am I not understanding? Why am I questioning?

Matthew 18:3, ” And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (NIV)

I have read this scripture many times. I have heard sermons and teachings on child-like faith. I have always in my mind wondered about this verse. Like Nicodemus, I ponder. Yes, I am born again, I get that part, but how do I return to be a child, to have faith like theirs?

This morning, as I read the Bible (and yes, basically underlining each sentence) it occurred to me that my prayers to have that child like ability have been answered. I am reading, listening, and questioning. I pray that I keep running, like a little child to question what I have just heard and run to my Heavenly Father and ask what it means. After almost 50 years, I have begun to be a child.

Measuring Up

Published on by marycatherinethomasLeave a comment

“For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” Matthew 7:2 (NKJV)

All of us know the experience of being measured. I can remember my Dad using a small knife to make an indent in the door frame and then marking it to measure our growth.

When I visit our oldest, my granddaughter will take me to a doorway, she will stand there and show me how much she has grown. I make a big deal of her getting too big and that she needs to stop growing. We both laugh and hug and it’s a sweet moment for us as we know she is not going to stop growing while I keep getting shorter.

Measuring is important in life. When we cook, bake, sew, knit, all the activities we do need measurements. Yardsticks, measuring tapes, surveying equipment, they are all necessary.

Lately I have been thinking of how I measure up. How do I measure myself? What yardstick do I use? Do I use a measuring tape? How does this all reflect on how the world sees me, how the Lord sees me?

All deep questions that I think most of us deal with on some level. The self reflection that seeps into our mind quietly like a low tide wave hitting the shoreline.

I really have no answers, but just the thought bubbles above my head. On what scale is my reflection? In my mind do I see myself in a hall of mirrors in a fun house? The ones that make your head elongated and your body squat, giving you a time to laugh at the reflection. Or am I still trying to see the clear reflection of my true self, the true measurement of how I was created?

My deep desire is to see myself as God sees me. Flawed, scarred but healing by His grace and mercy. To see the reflection of Christ in me, so that when the world looks, they don’t see Cathi, they see the reflection of Christ in me.