Tag: Life

Remembering

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“But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
    I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.” (Psalm 77:11) NLT

At the end of February I went to San Diego to be with a friend. It was a gift to me for my birthday and while I was there, we celebrated her birthday.

I came home knowing that I would write a blog post about the trip, and for the past month I have tried to put words to the trip. Obviously, if you are a reader of my blog, you know I haven’t had the words!

We spent time in Coronado, CA at a time share resort. It was a perfect trip. I felt something deep inside me but it was an intangible feeling at the time.

One day we spent at the Hotel Del Coronado, we sat on the deck by the water, talking, sipping coffees and munching on pastries. It felt natural to me, familiar. The military helicopters buzzed above, the Navy planes flew over, tourists were in their swimsuits jumping in the cold water and we sat on chairs in our sweaters watching it all.

As we talked, I felt like this time, special in itself, was also a special time for me. A deep feeling of calm and peace enveloped me. We stayed long enough that the coffee was replaced by iced teas and cookies (I think). Life continued around us as we sat, wrapped in conversation.

We eventually moved indoors as we browsed through the shops and wandered through the lobby. Looking into the dining rooms memories came rushing in. Going to see the Christmas trees each December and have drinks in the lobby, taking my youngest for afternoon tea in the lobby, events that I helped plan for work.

As we stepped into a courtyard more memories came to me, a leadership conference we had had in one of the rooms.

It was a day of memories for me.

Later in the week we went to Disneyland. I happen to be the same age as the park. While we lived there, I would go to the park on my ‘5’ and ‘0’ birthdays to celebrate. I haven’t been there since I was 55. Going at 70 was different, I discovered I can’t get in and out of rides as easily as I once did. Again, the park was filled with memories, lots of them.

I had a wonderful time. I felt loved on, spoiled, actually. I felt settled inside, renewed, refreshed.

I have thought a lot of this time spent in my former hometown.The flow of the traffic was familiar. The sky was the same.

As I write about this time, those intangible feelings resurface.

In our ladies Bible Study this year we have talked about altars of remembrance. It’s been an interesting theme woven into each presenters teachings. Last night as I was laying awake for a while, the two things, altar of remembrance and San Diego were tied together for me.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I had a word from the Lord about going to San Diego in 1982 that said that there would be many thorns awaiting me in San Diego and that we would be there until the Lord was finished with me there. The word that was spoken to me came to pass.

During the time in San Diego the Lord did many things in me and He taught me many things. I grew and discovered that I was more capable of things than I thought. I was stretched and shaped like a potter shapes a vessel on the wheel.

With each move since leaving San Diego I have found myself reverting to old habits. Being shy and fearful of doing things. As I lay awake last night I realized that the trip was in fact, an altar of remembrance. It has taken me a month to identify those intangible feelings, but I am beginning to see. The Lord allowed me to be in areas where He ministered to and taught me life lessons. I remembered who I am in Christ. I experienced my altar of remembrance. I remembered the great works of God in the past.

I praise Him for His wondrous deeds in my life. I praise Him for taking me on this trip. I thank Him for those who were obedient to get me there. I thank Him for this trip I didn’t know I needed. Our God is a great and glorious God who cares for us. He knows what we need and He provides for those needs. Great and mighty is He!

Another Year

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“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 (NLT)

Each year (or at the end of December) I begin to look back and take stock of what has happened.

This is true for this year also, only this year, my thoughts have gone farther back. This week my thoughts have been occupied about this week fifty years ago. Yes, I know that seems like a very long time ago, and no, I was not a child. I was 19 (well, I guess I could have been considered a child).

Fifty years ago today Dale and I went to pick up a U-Haul truck that my Dad had to sign for us to rent. We picked it up and together my Dad and I talked to each other on the way home. It was really the last long conversation I had with him as a single lady.

Fifty years ago tomorrow was our rehearsal dinner. I jokingly asked Dale today if I should make a dinner tomorrow evening. It was a specific menu. He just looked at me and asked why I would do that. I reminded him that it was our rehearsal dinner meal.

Our fiftieth anniversary is Saturday. We woke up to a blizzard. Summer tires on his car. Snowballs thrown at us, accidents holding our band up, knee deep snow, so many stories and memories. One of my aunts gave us three months tops to be married. I guess we proved her wrong. This is a season of big celebrations. In November Dale turned 70. This Saturday we will be married 50 years, and in February I will join the 70’s club.

As I look back on what has seemed at times only a short time, I cannot believe we have gotten to this point. I don’t feel old. I don’t feel like we have been married 50 years.

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. Andre Maurois

On the whole, we have had a good life together. We have grown up together. We have had great seasons and hard seasons. Life goes by swiftly and at times it drags. I am thankful for what we have had. I am thankful for our Lord who has held us together and lifted us up many times.

I would say, may we have another 50 years together, but I really can’t see either of us hanging on that long!

So, here is to our life together, 12 homes, lived in 12 different cities, two children, 6 dogs, 3 hamsters, 1 guinea pig, several gold fish, and our neighbor’s cat that lives at our house. 2 son in laws that are loved like sons, 2 grandchildren, 2 bonus grandchildren and 3 bonus great grandchildren. Not a bad life at all. Happy Anniversary Dale!

IF

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“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)

I recently saw the movie, IF a couple of times. It is a sweet movie that I have enjoyed. Since that time I have thought of invisible/imaginary friends. I don’t recall having one, but I know my younger sister did. My older sister and I would walk her to the next block to a very run down house. It was there that her invisible friends lived. I always pictured them as giraffes, who lived on the first floor and looked out the upper windows. We would walk down to the house and stand on the sidewalk while she looked up to the upper floor and talked with them.

When we had children, our oldest had an imaginary friend. He had the same name as a Sesame Street character, Gonzo. I personally did not care for her invisible friend. He was pretty rowdy and got my daughter into a degree of trouble. Fortunately he left our family.

As I thought of all of this, I realized that often we depend on our self talk, our imaginary friends and/or just grinning and going through it all, teeth bared and set.

I remember shortly after my Mom had passed that I laid on my bed crying. I know I was alone and I was miserable. For some reason I remember just calling out to Jesus. This came to mind while thinking about the movie, imaginary friends and this image. It all came rushing into my mind at once. (Yes, it was one of those sleepless nights that seem to occur in old age)

As I thought about it all, I heard in my heart, “But, I am not invisible.” No, our Lord is not invisible. He is alive and real and an ever present help and comfort.

Last night in my mid night reverie I focused on our Lord. I thought about how He is not invisible or imaginary. He is with us daily. He knows our name. He sings a song of joy over us each day. He provides the help and support as we walk into new situations that might seem scary or overwhelming. And, as we call out to Him, He is there to answer us. For this, I am grateful.

Going at the Speed of Life

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“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” John 10:10 (MSG)

Last week Dale and I went over to Gatlinburg, TN. We both needed a get away time and it proved to be just what we needed. We didn’t do a lot of the touristy things, except for browsing in the shops, which is always relaxing to me.

One day we drove to an area called Cades Cove. We spent most of the day driving through the area. The Smoky Mountains are gorgeous in this area. I started to take pictures, in which I usually fail majorly. I had the idea to take a close up photo of the area right outside my window.

This was supposed to be a great picture of part of a fence and as you can see, it’s just a blur.

I was about to delete this when I hesitated. It was like I heard, “Isn’t this like your life? You quickly drive by and miss the details.” Ouch! True, but ouch!

I kept the photo and I started to think about the picture and my life and the way I view it.

Today I was looking through old pictures. Most of ours are in boxes and in no particular order. But, as I looked at the pictures, some faded from time, some blurry (I wonder who took those?) and all of them jogging memories of places and people and seasons of my life.

I surprised myself at knowing when (not the date) they were taken. I remembered birthday parties at our favorite Italian restaurant when the kids were small. There were plenty of pictures of tents and camping. Some pictures Dale would have a sweatshirt on and then I would see the same sweatshirt on me. Throughout, the pictures of our daughters, babies, prom pictures, smiling, goofing off and glaring at the camera. There were a great deal of all emotions from them.

I have had a great life. We have lived several places, and in a different country. I have had experiences I never dreamed of growing up in Oil City, PA. Life has been good. Life has gone by quickly.

I have thought about going at the speed of life. Looking at memories, I see that for most of it, even though I was right there, it’s a blur.

This one is clear. The mountains fade into a mist. Behind that mist are more mountains. They remain in place even though they are not visible. The same is true of the memories of life. They are a constant in my memory. They are not always visible, but they remain hidden by a mist of life.

I will keep taking pictures. Some will turn out and some will be blurry. But, I have a feeling that now, instead of harshly critiquing my skill and deleting, I will remember that I tend to speed by my life and miss out on details.

A Short Story… Snippets and Memories

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“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;” Isaiah 66:13a

The pink acrylic alarm clock sat beside the bed she shared with her sister. It was her favorite with the edges around the face of the clock. She would sit and hold it, rubbing her fingers in the indentations.

She knew it was about to go off as she slowly moved from dreaming to wakefulness. In the background she could hear noise, she knew she must still be sleeping.

The alarm went off. Reaching for the clock, she felt someone pick it up to turn it off. Her older sister was gently setting it back down. She quietly said, “Just go back to sleep. There is no school today.” At this time, their youngest sister stirred and sat up.

Her older sister went to the top of the stairs and said, “Dad, they’re awake.”

The next few minutes were life altering. Confused, the girl sat up as their Dad said, “Mom died last night. You won’t be going to school this week.” Her younger sister started crying. I sat there, confused. I probably was crying, but I don’t remember. I do remember thinking it wasn’t a very funny joke to tell us.

As I sat there, the surroundings became clear. It was still a bit dark, it was fall. The lights from the kitchen seemed so bright. The voices, I wasn’t dreaming. I heard familiar voices of aunts and uncles. I had had a feeling that this day was approaching for the past month, although I never said anything. I was afraid to ask the question for fear that I might get the dreaded answer. That morning, reality slammed into our lives. Day One of not having a mother.

Life changed. That week we went to our Aunt’s house. We roamed around the house while she busied herself in the kitchen. We played with our cousin’s pom poms from high school. She was newly married and it all seemed so romantic to me. We gazed at our cousin’s basketball trophies. He was my favorite. He made me laugh.

We spent another day with another aunt. She let us make chocolate chip cookies. We didn’t add the salt to the recipe and she knew it right away. I never add salt now without thinking about her.

The funeral home was always packed. So many people leaning down to either pat our heads or shed a tear while we were there. We were bored. How many times can you nod your head while someone tells you they are sorry for your loss?

I was 11. That in between stage. I had teenage style of dresses, but could only wear ankle socks. It was humiliating to me. Classmates came into the funeral home. They would stand and stare, not sure what to do or say. I learned the art of small talk that week. I dislike small talk.

The day of the funeral was dark and drizzling. It was like being in a living dream. Motions happened, we went through them, behaving exactly like we were told. As we left, an older aunt lost her underwear and left them on the floor of the church. How bizarre that was and we still laugh about that.

The wake (we’re Irish) was a release for all who were there. Uncles handed us money, “Go to the store, get some ice cream for yourselves.” The neighborhood store must have done a record business as I recall getting back to the house only to have another uncle put money into a cousin’s hand with an order to go to the store and have fun.

Time moved at a snail’s pace but also it flew by. Family left and we girls learned to adjust. Some days in the beginning were okay, others not so good. My older sister was a rock, she guided and kept my younger sister and I moving. We three girls raised ourselves as best as we could. We are survivors.

I don’t know why this all came flooding back to me tonight, but I needed to write about it. The days of no Mother have been a lifetime. Snippets and memories sometimes rush in like a high tide. Other times the memories are still. Above all, though, I am grateful for my sisters. I am grateful for our Dad who was thrust into single parenthood in a time where wives did the bulk of raising the kids.

Life is interesting. Growing up it was normal for us. Normal is different for each person. God has a plan and a purpose for us. The snippets and memories have shaped me according to God’s plan for my life.

And Now…For Today’s Story

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“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!” Philippians 4:4 (NKJV)

Sunday I turned 69. I have received wonderful wishes and love expressed and it has been wonderful. I am always surprised that people take the time to wish me well.

69 is an age I never thought I would reach. I have outlived both of my parents. I figured I would pass in my 40’s or 50’s, so to reach this landmark, I am surprised. I am also overwhelmed as I’m old!

This morning I went to our Bible Study. I left early for an appointment. I have been overdue for my mammogram and I needed a bone density test. I find it ironic that I would put off a mammogram considering my oldest is in the process of recovering from breast cancer. But, put it off I did. 

As I left Bible Study the women all expressed prayers for a good appointment with good results. They are a lovely group of women. I thanked them and planned the route to the place where I made the appointment. I arrived at 11:02 for an 11:20 appointment. I had a difficult time parking in a spot, which is pretty normal for me. 

I walked into the building and a young woman came to the counter and I said, “I’m here for my appointment.” She looked at me strangely. She asked my name. She looked at her computer and I could see that something was wrong.  I said, almost in a plea, “Please don’t tell me that I am at the wrong place.” I made the appointment for there because I knew how to get there. (If you don’t know me, I can get lost very, very easily)

She pursed her lips and then smiled. She asked my birthdate, and then wished me a happy belated birthday. I thanked her. She was very nice. 

She looked up at me, confirmed my information and said, “I won’t tell you that you are in the wrong place.” (Whew! That’s a relief). She continued, “You are in the right place, and you are here on time. But (dont’ you dislike when you hear that word?), you are in the wrong month.”

At this point, I stared at her. The two women behind me were laughing by this time having been privy to the conversation. 

The punchline? My appointment is for March 13th. 

The cute woman behind the counter continued, “I know you are just anxious and excited to have this appointment. You couldn’t wait to get here, right?”

The women behind me were doubling over, I swear! They were just having too good of a time.

I mumbled something about after having my last birthday I was anxious because I know the factory warranty on me is starting to come to an end.” 

The women behind me were silently slapping their knees. 

I used the restroom and as i walked out the door I made eye contact with the women. They burst out laughing. I told them to have a good appointment and left. 

It took me longer to park than it did in the building. Oh! The joys of getting old!

What I Did on My Summer Vacation (part 2) “The Trajectory of a Life”

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“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

Forty two years ago we left Winter Harbor.

We left this home. A home of a young family, Mom, Dad, Daughter. In this home we had much laughter and tears. This home is where we were overjoyed to find out we were having a second child. Months later, we lost that child.

This home was filled with teens from our youth group, The Harbor Lights. It was comprised of Navy kids and town kids. They would pile into our living room, most of them on the floor, and always crowded with very little room to walk between them. Each Sunday night it was the same thing, put our daughter to bed, and wait for the kids, our kids. They would be boisterous, loud, talking all at once. They would also wait for hearing a bottle thrown from a crib onto the floor and then the sound of a two year old attempting to climb out of the crib, mostly landing with a thud and a cry. They would all jump up to get the baby and be told to sit down. They wanted to play with her, and I wanted her to sleep. They thought us grown and mature, we were only a few years apart actually.

When we drove away from this home, it was with the promise that we would return shortly. We drove off to California, thinking we would return for good in six years. That was where our heart was. This was the direction we thought we would go.

Life changes.

Going to Winter Harbor for our summer vacation I thought would just be an easy trip. Enjoy the scenery, the food, the people. Have some memories and relax.

I did all of the above, but something I wasn’t expecting happened. The easy trip was a beautiful one but the Lord had other plans for me.

Sitting in our little home we rented I looked across the street to a former home of a friend. Both are with the Lord now. Beside them the home of another couple. We talk often, but not as often as we should. We share what age is doing. How it is affecting us. Looking at their home I thought of the easy laughter we shared. The time her husband walked up the path between our homes (now overgrown and non existent) mooing at the cows grazing. I watched from my back door as he realized that there was also a bull present and a chase began. The bull sounding out and defending territory and this man running faster than I had seen a man run uphill.

Each turn in the road brought back memories. They danced with the thoughts, hopes and prayers of my younger self.

My heart stirred with echoes of prayers said so long ago while I questioned if my current life reflected the perfect will of God or if I was living the permissive will of God while He’s waited for me to catch up with what His plans truly are for me.

The questions still remain. The awesome thing about Winter Harbor is the presence of God. His majesty reflected in the coast, in the water, the rocks, the fog, the beauty. It all calls out to me. In the voice of the fog horns I hear the voice of my God. Calling out to me, guiding me in the clouds of my life.

Pensive reflection joined me on this trip. I thought of the trajectory of lives. Some remain steady, slowly gaining momentum. Some see a destination and fly to it, sharing the Lord as they go.

I have seen mine like the tides. It ebbs and flows. Always pounding the same heart, the same mind. I have wondered if my life is like the rocks on Schoodic Point, strong, present, barely showing signs of erosion, or if my life is like the bay where pluff mud is visible and noticed by the smelly scent.

I have often said that I left part of my heart in Maine. What I didn’t realize the part I left was so much of my heart.

I know we will never live there permanently, but I am so very blessed to have been able to live there for a season. A season when I grew to know my Lord in a stronger way. A time when I was taught the majesty and splendor of the Living God. A place where waves crash loudly on rock, the fog moves quickly and hovers it’s dense blanket on the homes and shores. A place that yells the glory and might of God and yet, He comes into my heart quietly there and whispers to me. He urges me and nudges me to draw closer to Him. He welcomes me back home there, and then continues on this journey with me.

Life

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This weekend is a long one. A weekend to celebrate the Fourth of July, or our Independence Day here in the states.

The days will be crowded with activities for many people here. Each family cramming enough time to celebrate with friends and family.

Since learning that I can go sling-less while at home, I once more had to come to a realization that I cannot do everything that I wish. I spent the last couple of days doing things, and planning a full weekend. I got as far as this morning and concluded that I am still not up to full speed yet. This was disappointing for me.

We had a wonderful dinner with friends last night. We sat and talked around the table and had dessert in their screened in porch and talked some more. We got home and knew we had a delightful time. Life is such a blessing when you have friends who are gifts to you.

The rest of the weekend reminded me of what life is. This afternoon is a wedding, a new beginning for a couple. The start of a lifetime of memories, joys, heartbreak, and laughter. I have been so excited for this couple and have been looking forward with them to this date. While I am thrilled for this day for them, we decided to stay home this afternoon and allow myself to regain some of the energy that seems to have departed.

Tomorrow is church and then we will be going to a funeral. A precious woman has moved to heaven. She was a high-spirited woman who enlivened any group she walked into. A gracious woman who lived her life with enthusiasm, love of our Lord and joy. We will go (Lord willing) to say our final good-bye to her after church.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.” (NLT) This weekend, to me, shows that to be true. A couple beginning life together and a family saying good-bye to a loved one. In the midst of all of this is a celebration of a holiday. Families joining together, friends gathering, and observing the anniversary of a country being born.

Life is filled with many precious moments. Some life changing and some that pass with little notice. My hope is that your weekend will be filled with moments that nourish your soul.