IF

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)

I recently saw the movie, IF a couple of times. It is a sweet movie that I have enjoyed. Since that time I have thought of invisible/imaginary friends. I don’t recall having one, but I know my younger sister did. My older sister and I would walk her to the next block to a very run down house. It was there that her invisible friends lived. I always pictured them as giraffes, who lived on the first floor and looked out the upper windows. We would walk down to the house and stand on the sidewalk while she looked up to the upper floor and talked with them.

When we had children, our oldest had an imaginary friend. He had the same name as a Sesame Street character, Gonzo. I personally did not care for her invisible friend. He was pretty rowdy and got my daughter into a degree of trouble. Fortunately he left our family.

As I thought of all of this, I realized that often we depend on our self talk, our imaginary friends and/or just grinning and going through it all, teeth bared and set.

I remember shortly after my Mom had passed that I laid on my bed crying. I know I was alone and I was miserable. For some reason I remember just calling out to Jesus. This came to mind while thinking about the movie, imaginary friends and this image. It all came rushing into my mind at once. (Yes, it was one of those sleepless nights that seem to occur in old age)

As I thought about it all, I heard in my heart, “But, I am not invisible.” No, our Lord is not invisible. He is alive and real and an ever present help and comfort.

Last night in my mid night reverie I focused on our Lord. I thought about how He is not invisible or imaginary. He is with us daily. He knows our name. He sings a song of joy over us each day. He provides the help and support as we walk into new situations that might seem scary or overwhelming. And, as we call out to Him, He is there to answer us. For this, I am grateful.

Going at the Speed of Life

“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” John 10:10 (MSG)

Last week Dale and I went over to Gatlinburg, TN. We both needed a get away time and it proved to be just what we needed. We didn’t do a lot of the touristy things, except for browsing in the shops, which is always relaxing to me.

One day we drove to an area called Cades Cove. We spent most of the day driving through the area. The Smoky Mountains are gorgeous in this area. I started to take pictures, in which I usually fail majorly. I had the idea to take a close up photo of the area right outside my window.

This was supposed to be a great picture of part of a fence and as you can see, it’s just a blur.

I was about to delete this when I hesitated. It was like I heard, “Isn’t this like your life? You quickly drive by and miss the details.” Ouch! True, but ouch!

I kept the photo and I started to think about the picture and my life and the way I view it.

Today I was looking through old pictures. Most of ours are in boxes and in no particular order. But, as I looked at the pictures, some faded from time, some blurry (I wonder who took those?) and all of them jogging memories of places and people and seasons of my life.

I surprised myself at knowing when (not the date) they were taken. I remembered birthday parties at our favorite Italian restaurant when the kids were small. There were plenty of pictures of tents and camping. Some pictures Dale would have a sweatshirt on and then I would see the same sweatshirt on me. Throughout, the pictures of our daughters, babies, prom pictures, smiling, goofing off and glaring at the camera. There were a great deal of all emotions from them.

I have had a great life. We have lived several places, and in a different country. I have had experiences I never dreamed of growing up in Oil City, PA. Life has been good. Life has gone by quickly.

I have thought about going at the speed of life. Looking at memories, I see that for most of it, even though I was right there, it’s a blur.

This one is clear. The mountains fade into a mist. Behind that mist are more mountains. They remain in place even though they are not visible. The same is true of the memories of life. They are a constant in my memory. They are not always visible, but they remain hidden by a mist of life.

I will keep taking pictures. Some will turn out and some will be blurry. But, I have a feeling that now, instead of harshly critiquing my skill and deleting, I will remember that I tend to speed by my life and miss out on details.

Is That A Splinter In Your Eye?

“You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things.” Romans 2:1 (NLT)

Who of us has not been judged before? We all have, either for good reason or just because.

Who of us have judged? In my mind’s ear, I don’t hear many confessing that they have played the part of judge.

I confess that I have been on both sides of the above questions. Yes, I have been judged. Sometimes I have needed it and sometimes it has been harsh. Yes, I have accepted the judgement and justified that I rose above the judgement and forgave and repented. But, have I really?

Forgiveness of others is a journey. You say the words, “I’m sorry” or “Please forgive me” and even better, “I forgive you.” easily. But, the road of forgiveness is sometimes long and bumpy. Because, as humans we remember.

Along that bumpy road of forgiveness there is judgement. Even if we boast of being kind, gracious and Christian, judgement lurks right behind the veneer.

My opinion is that judging others is a two way street. You are judged for the splinter in our eyes. We remove it, and walk away. But as we walk, we pick up the log that goes into our eyes. What may have been a splinter that was called out becomes a log as we remember the initial issue, the shock of being called out, and the hurt caused. Soon it becomes evident that we have begun to dwell on other’s splinters.

Women, I think, are very prone to this issue. Men hold things in boxes in their minds. Something happens, it is resolved and then locked away in a box in their minds. Issue is dealt with and resolved, end of story. Women, on the other hand cannot do this. It is said that women have spaghetti brains. Everything that has happened in their lives touches everything that is currently happening. It’s a jumbled mess. Of course, women also are quick to love and quick to comfort for the most part.

Personally, I have been judged for my house, my cleaning routine, my hair, my makeup, my children. You name it and I can relate. I have also had my faith, my prayer life, my actions judged. The bulk of it done by “Christians” of which I myself live within those quotation marks.

Paul urged the Roman church to watch the judging. I am part of hearing that urging. Honestly, I think we can all fall under the need of that urging.

 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5 (NLT)

I really have no answers to this issue. I am still working and walking through this life. All I know is when you truly focus on Bible reading, you can become uncomfortable. Words you have read thousands of time hit you with sharp edges. How you perceive yourself changes.

I have always thought of myself as a kind, gracious and sometimes funny person. Yes, I have my glaring blemishes that all can see. Even deeper, I know inside me. I know those feelings like shivers that run up your spine at times. Those ‘judgement’ issues. Each human has them. The key word being human.

Since I wrote this, will I immediately conquer these problems? No. But, I am aware of them with a more magnified lens. Judgement comes easy. Holding on to judgement is even easier. Judging others is a sin that can easily lead to a hardness of heart. That is not what I want for my life.

This season of life, this time of this year is quickly approaching. The next few months judging others is going to come swiftly. We will all have our ‘feelings’ hurt because someone will disagree with us. This happens every four years. We can become so involved in becoming hurt that we do not realize how quickly we are judging.

This has been a ramble of words, I know. But these scriptures have been in my mind. I want to meld them into my heart. I want to be able to stand before our Creator sometime in the future and see Him smile as He sees that I became aware of my judging ways and with His help and guidance I conquered the nagging and easy to fall into problem of judging.

I have asked the Lord to help me with this. I carry judgement in my heart, I think this is human. It is also resulting from hurt accumulated. If we were each honest with ourselves, the stories could be similar.

“Share each others burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ” Galatians 6:2 (NLT)

Doldrums

Doldrums: a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or slump (Merriam-Webster)

On July 5th, 1977, we headed to the base in Yokosuka Japan and rented a day sailor sailboat for the afternoon. There were three of us on this adventure, Dale, myself and a friend of ours.

We checked out the boat and headed out. The day was sunny as were our moods. There was a breeze and the little boat danced upon the waves. We were having a wonderful experience. We talked, laughed and just enjoyed watching the slight white caps on the bay.

We sailed that way for a good hour. We knew we had plenty of time before we had to return our rental. The sun was lovely, the temperature was perfect. The wind was continual and water splashed gently onto the sides as we glided along.

About an hour after leaving shore the wind died down. Then the wind stopped. It was quiet except the lapping of the waves on the side of the sailboat. We bounced on the waves knowing the wind would pick back up. We thought we would be heading back soon and enjoying our adventure again.

These little sailboats did not come with a motor. They had oars. We sat for a while, waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Conversation ebbed. Time passed. We were dead in the water. The gentle rocking of the boat caused us to drift a bit.

Eventually the oars were picked up. In our glee of being on the bay with a great wind we paid no attention to how far we sailed. The trip back to shore was going to be long, especially rowing.

The guys were determined and rowed toward shore. The trip back to shore was quiet. The joy of the beginning of our trip was replaced by resolve. The afternoon sun was turning into dusk as we came to the dock. The wind had completely disappeared that afternoon.

You need wind in your sails to move. When the wind dies you are left with no motivation.

The same is true in life. There are times where the laughter stops and the quiet begins. The energy level subsides. The noise turns to a deafening silence. We can become adrift.

This sounds ominous unless we have an anchor. An anchor will keep us from drifting far away from where we are supposed to be. My Anchor is Christ. When I face the doldrums, I turn to Him. He knows me inside and out. He knows when my sails are flat and lifeless. He understands that part of me. He holds me close until He knows I am ready to lift from my position and then gently, ever so gently, He will ruffle my sail giving me a tailwind.

“The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. 19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18-19 (NLT)

Daybreak

“Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it… Yet.” (Lucy Maude Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables)

Tomorrow always (for me) begins at daybreak. The sun rises and it is like the earth is covered in hope. The shadows of the night are erased and the world awakens.

Daybreak brings hope, promise and a renewed presence of God in our lives. He shines forth, allowing our eyes to focus on our surroundings. We are never promised tomorrow, but each day is like a gift that unwraps itself with the dawning of the sun.

The past week I have had a dear friend visiting. She is retired now and is about to venture into a new life. A new adventure. She is moving here. I am grateful to our Lord for this gift to me.

I often think of the Girl Scout song, “Make new friends, but keep the old. Some are silver, some are gold.” These words have followed me for a very long time. Golden friends take a while for their patina to become evident in your life. At first, they are the new friends. Soon they are the old friends. Eventually they show their shine in a silvery way and then that patina is gold. Such is this friend moving here.

Change happens throughout our lives. Each season of change is a challenge. This week I have been reminded that roads are now familiar to me. It wasn’t long ago that I looked out the car window like she has this week. Everything is strange. The difference from the metropolitan area of San Diego to the quiet of upstate South Carolina is vast. I have watched and remembered when I was where she is now. Excitement mixed with a longing. Knowing a change is needed but questioning if this drastic of a change is where the Lord is leading her.

How often in our lives does our Lord bring us to a cross road? We tend to go the direction we have gone for years. We know the ruts. We know the dips and bumps. We know what to avoid. There is comfort in the known.

Sometimes the Lord, at those crossroads puts up a road block. Un-passable. We can’t continue the way we have always gone. We look at the other side and think how strange it is. Sort of like those fairy tales where the heroine ventures down the path where we know the big, bad wolf is waiting.

But God… He knows that it may be strange, different, scary, but He also knows the other path is an adventure. A tomorrow with no mistakes.

When God is in charge of our plans, the daybreaks bring joy. Hope. Promise of fresh starts, new adventures, His plan for our lives.

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you” Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)

My Saturday

“Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.” Romans 13:1 (NLT)

I woke up this morning with a list repeating itself in my mind. I have a physical list also on the couch with a few things crossed off.

The list is things that I want to be done before Tuesday of this week. We have a friend arriving for a two week visit and like most people we are taking this opportunity to get things we have put off, done.

Tuesday is also election day here. I get excited about election days. I am weird like that. I study and make certain I know how I am going to vote. After I cast my vote, I am like a kid with getting my “I voted sticker.”

But, back to my day. I woke up this morning and I sat down for my quiet time. I always pray before my quiet time and today was no different, except my prayer. I asked the Lord that my eyes would see what He wanted me to see, and not just my physical eyes, but my spiritual ones too. I didn’t think much more about it and read the second chapter of I John.

After coffee and quiet time I began to get ready to clean our carpets. I picked up all the things on the floor, putting them on the couch or chairs or tables. It’s a mess. Our kitchen looks like a disaster happened. The floors are filthy because we have a white floor in our kitchen. It is the bane of my existence. It has rained all week long and since we live rural, well, you get the idea. My floor is desperate for a good scrubbing. I have waited since we are cleaning the carpets, the floor is going to get more stuff on it today.

All of the above I’m doing while still in my pajamas. Ever have one of those days where you putter around the house in jammies?

After getting much accomplished and ready for the carpet cleaning, the doorbell rang. It was the side door where close friends and family come in. It is also where packages get delivered. I went to answer it since I figured it was the mail person dropping off a package.

As I got to the door I looked and saw that it was our State Representative, Travis Moore. Remember the pajamas I am still in? Tuesday is election day? House looks so messy, like we never clean? And, there, at my door, is the man seeking reelection. I recognized his face before I read his shirt that had his name on it. As I heard Dale and myself welcome him into our house, I was stunned that this was happening.

He spent a good half hour talking with us. He gave us time to ask and address issues. I was at peace and felt like I could have hugged him. But, pajamas, dirty house…

As we ate lunch after the visit, Dale and I talked about things we should have done. We should have asked how we could help him. We should have prayed for him. We talked about what we could have done, but didn’t.

As the minutes passed I remembered my prayer this morning. That I would see, that I would hear, and that I would act on those things.

Authority comes from the Lord. We need to respect those in authority, and yes, sometimes I struggle with this.

I had an object lesson today. An important one for me. As gracious as this candidate was with us. He didn’t look around and decide not to talk with us, or talk down to us. He listened, he explained, he talked with us, not at us. In this same way, of acceptance our Lord comes to us.

When our lives are a mess. When our hearts are cluttered and dirty. When we are in need of a cleansing, our Lord is there at the ready to accept us, to cleanse us from our filth. He waits to be invited in.

This also reminded me that someday our Lord is going to knock on our door, are we going to welcome Him in just as we are? Or, will we say, “just a minute, let me change my clothing, let me clean my house?” Great object lesson today Representative Moore, you thought you were just canvassing, didn’t you?

A Child Who Needs Snuggles

And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” Revelation 21:2-4 (NLT)

I read this verse today and a couple of things came to my mind.

The first thought I had was me clinging onto God (at least the image I have in my mind). I was wrapped in His arms and breathing deeply. I was snug and secure and I knew if /when I am in that position, I truly will want to stay there forever.

That thought was followed by a second thought, a memory, actually. I remember being young and following my Mom around. I was so close to her that if she stopped, I would run into her, or I would get bumped on my forehead by her elbow. In the echoes of my mind, I could remember her saying to me, “For God’s sake, Cathi, give me some room.” Actually, I would hear her say this several times a day, and I was that clingy child.

Fast forward many years and I had a child that would follow closely to me. I remember bumping her forehead with my elbow. Immediately, I laughed. I knew the Lord had answered my Mother’s prayer of me having a child like myself. I loved the closeness of that child to me, how she would snuggle.

As is usual for me, my mind trailed off as I thought of all of this. For those who make God their Savior and Lord, He is the One we run to. The One we can follow closely. The One whom we can run into upon a sudden stop. He longs for us to be that clingy child. He wants us to climb into His lap for a snuggle so deep and long that our hearts calm, our tears are wiped away and we are comforted and at peace.

As we spend time with Him throughout our day, praying, reading or worshiping Him, we can experience those snuggles. But, I cannot wait to experience this fully. When He calls me home and I can run to Him, jump into Him like my grandchildren do when they see me. And finally and forever have my tears wiped away for good. What a perfect day that will be.

Women at the V.A.

Today I went with Dale for a couple appointments he had at the V.A.. It’s always an interesting time when we go.

Usually, I watch the veterans. Mostly men, older, although many young men are also there. I heard a few conversations between these men. One was talking about his Ranger training and as I turned to see who was talking, an older man limping down the hallway was doing the talking. To hear the stories and see the men is something that touches my heart deeply.

Today, though, my focus went to the wives. They accompanied their husbands. One who was waiting was deeply engrossed in a book. One led her husband up to the window and gently pushing him toward the window made a fairly loud comment to sign in there with a hand motion. She turned around and mouthed the words “He can’t hear a thing!” to others waiting for their turn in the audiology department. Others pointed directions, walked beside their spouse, gently holding onto hands and guiding their backs.

Yesterday was Memorial Day, a day to remember those who gave all in battle. The heroes that wrote checks to this country with their lives.

As I sat watching and thinking, it occurred to me what military spouses have given. In our youth we waited through deployments. We learned how to maintain vehicles, fix lawn mowers, fix wobbly doors. We were the ones to kill spiders, bugs, and chase off snakes. We were Mommy and Daddy. We kept moving through exhaustion and wrote letters at night that didn’t mention that part of life. We had to think of morale. Our deployed husbands didn’t need to hear of half a problem solved, they needed to know that things were under control. They needed to know the kids were well, the bills were paid, the car was running, the lawn was mowed. There was no e-mail. No video calls. No photos instantly sent.

The women at the V.A. today were in that group. We did without. We made do. We prayed for wisdom, we prayed for safety, we prayed for sanity. And today as I watched these incredible women, it occurred to me that we are still doing that. Supporting our men, watching them, waiting for them, being there. The toughest job in the military? The military spouse.

A Whole Bunch of Stupid

“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.” Psalm 16:11 (NLT)

47 years ago today, my husband and I accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. The best decision we have ever made. Our lives were immediately changed for the positive. Old habits went to the side as we learned to walk in our new faith. Each year this day brings memories and reflections with it.

Yesterday I had an initial appointment for physical therapy. The therapist asked a bunch of questions about my aches and pains and why I thought I had them. She had me do some exercises and she felt my back to feel the differences in it.

She asked how I broke my back. I explained that 23 years ago I went sledding with my youngest daughter and her friend, they were both high school seniors at the time. We were all sharing a single round saucer and the run was great! That is, of course until I sped off one boulder covered in ice and slammed into a big boulder covered in ice. The result was a compression fracture of my lower back.

She then asked if I had had anything happen recently to cause my back to act up. The only thing I could think of was when I fell and broke my elbow two years ago. I explained the fall and how it was an epic fall, me flying through the air and landing with a thud. She was laughing along with me and asked about other injuries.

I mentioned that I had broken my other elbow years ago when I tripped over my pant-leg and fell into the street. I mentioned how Dale does not allow me to walk and chew gum anymore.

The appointment was filled with laughter as I sheepishly gave a litany of my “stupid” acts.

Today while I was driving into the store (it’s a good 20-30 minute drive), I was thinking about yesterday and also today. It occurred to me that at my age I have experienced a whole lot of stupid. A. Whole. Lot. Of. Stupid.

Each day we all do thoughtless things. Or, maybe it is just me. (Yikes!) Things like stubbing your toe on a piece of furniture that hasn’t moved in years. Using a wet potholder on a pan in the oven. Heat travels fast! Slicing yourself while slicing a vegetable. Just stupid little things that in the greater scheme of life don’t matter.

As I thought about all the stupid that I have experienced it occurred to me that through this all I have been protected by my Creator. We hear of guardian angels, well, I think I have gone through several. Psalm 91 talks of the protection the Lord gives us. He is my refuge, my shelter. He will rescue me from traps and disease. When I gave my life to Him, when I made Him my shelter, He will make certain no evil or plague will come near my home, He has given angels charge over me to hold me in their hands.

I have tried the Lord in all of this. I have smooshed angels as I fell on them (see examples above). Like any child I tend to do stupid things. Not disobedient, just thoughtless. If God the Father had gray hair, I would say a lot has come from me. Each time my stupidity comes to light, or to a thump, the Lord has been with me. He has comforted me, healed me and allowed the experiences to give me stories. Stories that make me laugh, make others laugh.

Life is full of wonderful adventures. For 47 years I have had joy, even on the hardest days. I have had hope during dark days. I have been loved by God even as He must be rolling His perfect eyes at my antics. This is just a preview of what I will experience when I can finally see Jesus face to face. When He hands me a saucer and suggests going sledding. (Will there be snow in Heaven?)

Life is filled with a whole lot of stupid, but it is also filled with joy, laughter, peace, hope, and above all love. 47 years ago the dread, the anger, the hopelessness of my young life left me. That is when the Creator of the universe took up residence in my heart, making me new and reborn.

A Short Story… Snippets and Memories

“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;” Isaiah 66:13a

The pink acrylic alarm clock sat beside the bed she shared with her sister. It was her favorite with the edges around the face of the clock. She would sit and hold it, rubbing her fingers in the indentations.

She knew it was about to go off as she slowly moved from dreaming to wakefulness. In the background she could hear noise, she knew she must still be sleeping.

The alarm went off. Reaching for the clock, she felt someone pick it up to turn it off. Her older sister was gently setting it back down. She quietly said, “Just go back to sleep. There is no school today.” At this time, their youngest sister stirred and sat up.

Her older sister went to the top of the stairs and said, “Dad, they’re awake.”

The next few minutes were life altering. Confused, the girl sat up as their Dad said, “Mom died last night. You won’t be going to school this week.” Her younger sister started crying. I sat there, confused. I probably was crying, but I don’t remember. I do remember thinking it wasn’t a very funny joke to tell us.

As I sat there, the surroundings became clear. It was still a bit dark, it was fall. The lights from the kitchen seemed so bright. The voices, I wasn’t dreaming. I heard familiar voices of aunts and uncles. I had had a feeling that this day was approaching for the past month, although I never said anything. I was afraid to ask the question for fear that I might get the dreaded answer. That morning, reality slammed into our lives. Day One of not having a mother.

Life changed. That week we went to our Aunt’s house. We roamed around the house while she busied herself in the kitchen. We played with our cousin’s pom poms from high school. She was newly married and it all seemed so romantic to me. We gazed at our cousin’s basketball trophies. He was my favorite. He made me laugh.

We spent another day with another aunt. She let us make chocolate chip cookies. We didn’t add the salt to the recipe and she knew it right away. I never add salt now without thinking about her.

The funeral home was always packed. So many people leaning down to either pat our heads or shed a tear while we were there. We were bored. How many times can you nod your head while someone tells you they are sorry for your loss?

I was 11. That in between stage. I had teenage style of dresses, but could only wear ankle socks. It was humiliating to me. Classmates came into the funeral home. They would stand and stare, not sure what to do or say. I learned the art of small talk that week. I dislike small talk.

The day of the funeral was dark and drizzling. It was like being in a living dream. Motions happened, we went through them, behaving exactly like we were told. As we left, an older aunt lost her underwear and left them on the floor of the church. How bizarre that was and we still laugh about that.

The wake (we’re Irish) was a release for all who were there. Uncles handed us money, “Go to the store, get some ice cream for yourselves.” The neighborhood store must have done a record business as I recall getting back to the house only to have another uncle put money into a cousin’s hand with an order to go to the store and have fun.

Time moved at a snail’s pace but also it flew by. Family left and we girls learned to adjust. Some days in the beginning were okay, others not so good. My older sister was a rock, she guided and kept my younger sister and I moving. We three girls raised ourselves as best as we could. We are survivors.

I don’t know why this all came flooding back to me tonight, but I needed to write about it. The days of no Mother have been a lifetime. Snippets and memories sometimes rush in like a high tide. Other times the memories are still. Above all, though, I am grateful for my sisters. I am grateful for our Dad who was thrust into single parenthood in a time where wives did the bulk of raising the kids.

Life is interesting. Growing up it was normal for us. Normal is different for each person. God has a plan and a purpose for us. The snippets and memories have shaped me according to God’s plan for my life.